Okay well apparently I can’t focus until I write this
I keep getting the feeling that people are just tolerating
me, that one day I will say something wrong or do something wrong and then pam I’m out of their life
This is frustrating
Things that I do wrong:
I get angry at things and people a lot even though I’m
getting better at pretending I’m not. Sometimes I have a bad day and I can feel
everything tipping and anger balances it out again. I think I heard that people react to anxiety
in different ways and one of those ways is anger, and that’s how I react.
(sometimes I feel very similar to a lot of the portrayals of bucky in
fanfiction, because everything is loud and unpredictable and everyone expects
you to know what the rules are, and you know some of them but if you get them
wrong then everyone thinks you’re an idiot, and anger can reset that.)
I tell jokes that are rude and offensive, but sometimes the
rude and offensive jokes that make me feel bad make the people who don’t like
my rude and offensive jokes laugh.
I think I worry too much and too vocally about getting left
behind or left out of things, and that makes people not want to include me in
things
I went in to get tested for adhd and apparently I don’t have
it, I just have a “creative personality” that means that I find it difficult to
justify doing things that I don’t want to do. My big thing is novelty. If I
have novelty and control, then I have motivation. If I do not, then I am
fucked.
So I know I am broken but not in a way that I can fix.
I am bored almost all the time and I know some of this is
depression and some of it is anger and some of it is both but the only times I
can break through that is with violence – either in paper or skin
Sometimes the things other people do make me angry and then I
feel bad for being angry, but I am still angry.
I don’t like it when other people breathe too loud, or break my
schedule, or aren’t interested in something that I think they will be
interested in.
I can tell when people think I am being an idiot about
something, and that makes me angry, which makes them nervous, which makes me
angry again.
I don’t like it when other people remember something that I
can’t remember because I have a bad memory and if I don’t remember something
how can I apologize for it? I used to have friends who would remember things I
said that I didn’t remember saying, and I still don’t know if I actually said
them or if they just said I did to gain advantage over me
I don’t trust people, I think, is the biggest issue, but I
don’t see any way for me to trust people when people are generally untrustworthy. I can usually trust people to do what I
expect them to do, but if someone tells me they will or will not do something,
I have to make plans in case they don’t.
What does “trust” mean? How do you do it?
I had a very good day today until I was suddenly having a
slightly less good day. I want to leave. I want to move away from here. I feel
like I make people uncomfortable here because I am wrong. It makes sense in the story in my head for me to be the
anti-hero, and so I don’t know how I portray myself to everyone else. I am an awkward adult growing out of a broken
child and I wish I had the manual.
Things I do right:
Lying
Being manipulative
These are the two things, I think, that you need to be good
at in order to hold a conversation and have friends. “No, I don’t mind.” “It’s ok if you say no.”
are pretty good examples of this. I don’t
see much difference between “bad” manipulation and “good” manipulation, because
manipulation is getting other people to do what you want. I also don’t see much
difference between “bad” lying and “good” lying, because lying means you aren’t
telling the truth, and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the whole truth and
nothing but the truth except maybe our most idealized version of the justice
system.
I am good enough at lying that I do it to myself all the
time and sometimes I don’t notice. When I was twelve, I said to myself I know you lie to other people and that’s ok
I guess but stop lying to yourself so I did that for a while, and then I started
telling the truth on the outside and realized how much I still lied on the
inside.
Facial expressions unless I am sad and angry, and I guess I
do those right because I am communicating very well that I am sad and/or angry.
Finding connections between people or things. Sometimes if
someone is looking for help with something, I am able to find them help with
that thing. It makes me feel good. I
like buying people things. It makes me feel good not to be selfish.
Being selfish is like white bread, I think. When you eat it,
it reminds you of your childhood, and it is so tasty that you could eat a lot,
but when you do, it sits in your stomach and you regret it. Sometimes it is
better to pretend you are eating white bread while instead you have wheat bread
or a salad, because you feel better about yourself.
I do sometimes think the people around me would be better
off without me, but I think that is a white bread thought. It’s okay to think
white bread thoughts but still eat salad.
The truth is that there are a few people who were worse off before I was
here, and there are a few people who were better off before I was here, and
there are a lot of people for who it wouldn’t have mattered either way.
The way I am writing is the way I think when I am sad or off
balance or angry sometimes. I didn’t intend to write this way, but it helps me
to tell the truth better than if I wrote long flowing sentences.
Once I sat down at a table and the other people at the table
said so what’s wrong with you
And I was confused
And they said oh
basically all of her friends are screwed up somehow, so what’s wrong with you
And I said I get
depressed and then I get depressed for being depressed and then it turns into a
big spiral of badness
And even though I sounded like an overdramatic 18 year old
(which I was), they said oh, ok and
they let me be their friend
