I'm just tired of everything. I want to cut loose and sail away, and I don't have a boat so instead I'm thinking about the next best thing. Connections are frustrating to me, it feels like there's sharp bladed focus three steps away but I have tough strong spiderwebs on my arms and legs.
Don't get me wrong, I guess I'm glad they're there.
I was trying to think about phrasing, like, "in the overworked I'm glad they're there" vs "in the code I'm glad they're there" and which one was more true to use, but honestly I think both levels of me are just tired and resentful. I want to be done being this. I feel like I've learned all the lessons I want to. Sure, there's brighter things coming but fuck the idea of getting to them is so exhausting. I want a break from all this fucking pushing for nothing.
Even when I'm happy I'm tired, and I wonder if maybe that's why my moods can be so volatile, because the big empty sea is just that flat curled up on the bed thinking about how crying would feel to my eyes, and I'm floating about above it, seeing it below, tossing small things overboard, and gaining a brief euphoric bump before the wind changes and I start sinking down again.
I don't know. I'm not gonna kill myself, I think I've been brainwashed enough to pretend that that isn't an option for me, but I'm resentful of that and I'm pissed about it.
I should talk to my doctor I guess.
