Update

I graduated college

This week I'm packing

I turn 23 in a day or so and I have no one to celebrate it with

This is my own fault

I forget to tell people things and I don't ask for help enough


growing up is realizing that not every year has a birthday party with streamers and cake


fuck it

I'm just going to go pitch a tent in the woods and get horrifically drunk

It'll be fabulous.

Food

I have money issues almost perpetually.  Largely it's because one part-time job should not be relied upon to pay rent, cell phone bill, academic expenses, and still be able to get food.

((I feel like this contributes, in a large way, to people thinking that I am unreliable, or that I am kind of a flake.))

One of my old roommates offered to help me budget better, but I know where all of my money is going. It's just that the amount of money I have just barely covers that things I need to survive.

(I've tried working multiple jobs.  One semester, I had 21 credits and 2 jobs. I also had one shaky, panicked breakdown in the shower, a truly spectacular depressive episode, and an entire semester's worth of anxiety over scheduling. I am a perfectionist, and this means that I put things off until I can do them perfectly.)

Food is a necessary thing that I need to think about more

During one month in that semester, I spent 25 dollars on groceries.  I survived off of ramen and frozen dinners.  It's tough, but doable.

I also never want to do it again.

I have issues with food. My sensory issues with food don't affect me enough to make me stop eating, but I have difficulty remembering to eat.

Sometimes I am just genuinely not hungry.  I have learned a lot about things like "mindful eating", and a lot of that seems to involve paying attention to your body and interpreting that into what is healthy.  Whole wheat bread makes me feel better. So does salad.  And sometimes I am really not hungry.  If I don't have a lot of food, and I'm not hungry, why should I eat?

((waste not want not))

My parents came from the Baby Boomer Generation. Their parents came from the Depression age generation.  Being fat meant that you had enough food in the house, that you weren't starving. Meals were scheduled at breakfast, lunch, dinner, at specific times. My grandmother was a big lady. Big heart, big body, and, we thought, big bones.  When my grandmother died of congestive heart failure, my family found out that she had a petite bone structure.

((i don't want to die))

My life seems crazy and out of control a lot. I need specific numbers on recipes. I need specific dates. I need specific guidelines.  I need my lists and my calendars.  When I was in second grade, I didn't have enough information to supply sufficient nutrition. Now I am in college and I have information and people still tell me I don't know what I know.

((knowledge will give you control))

Sometimes I trace the lines of my bones under skin. Sometimes I trace the edges of scars over it. Sometimes I trace the thin sharp lines of tendons. Sometimes I trace the curve of muscle over bone.  I used to do it with metal, and now I do it with ink and fingertips. I feel that I am made up entirely of lines, and that the places in between the lines are nothing but smoke and air. My lines weigh me down. My lines keep me from blowing away.

((definition is existence))

Today I was able to go shopping for free in an old manager's basement. She "adopts" college students and lets them go grocery shopping in her stock of bought-in-bulk food. When I got there, she had already filled up a bag, and had me fill up another bag and a box with fruit and nuts and soup and instant dinners.  I was worried I didn't say thank you enough. I have a full shelf of food now.

((it's funny how having enough food makes you feel loved, how asking for help doesn't make you feel useless, how eating food when you don't have to worry about the rest of it can fill in the spaces between the lines))

and they let me be their friend

Okay well apparently I can’t focus until I write this

I keep getting the feeling that people are just tolerating me, that one day I will say something wrong or do something wrong and then pam I’m out of their life

This is frustrating

Things that I do wrong:

I get angry at things and people a lot even though I’m getting better at pretending I’m not. Sometimes I have a bad day and I can feel everything tipping and anger balances it out again.  I think I heard that people react to anxiety in different ways and one of those ways is anger, and that’s how I react. 

(sometimes I feel very similar to a lot of the portrayals of bucky in fanfiction, because everything is loud and unpredictable and everyone expects you to know what the rules are, and you know some of them but if you get them wrong then everyone thinks you’re an idiot, and anger can reset that.)

I tell jokes that are rude and offensive, but sometimes the rude and offensive jokes that make me feel bad make the people who don’t like my rude and offensive jokes laugh.

I think I worry too much and too vocally about getting left behind or left out of things, and that makes people not want to include me in things

I went in to get tested for adhd and apparently I don’t have it, I just have a “creative personality” that means that I find it difficult to justify doing things that I don’t want to do. My big thing is novelty. If I have novelty and control, then I have motivation. If I do not, then I am fucked.

So I know I am broken but not in a way that I can fix.

I am bored almost all the time and I know some of this is depression and some of it is anger and some of it is both but the only times I can break through that is with violence – either in paper or skin

Sometimes the things other people do make me angry and then I feel bad for being angry, but I am still angry.  I don’t like it when other people breathe too loud, or break my schedule, or aren’t interested in something that I think they will be interested in.

I can tell when people think I am being an idiot about something, and that makes me angry, which makes them nervous, which makes me angry again.

I don’t like it when other people remember something that I can’t remember because I have a bad memory and if I don’t remember something how can I apologize for it? I used to have friends who would remember things I said that I didn’t remember saying, and I still don’t know if I actually said them or if they just said I did to gain advantage over me

I don’t trust people, I think, is the biggest issue, but I don’t see any way for me to trust people when people are generally untrustworthy.  I can usually trust people to do what I expect them to do, but if someone tells me they will or will not do something, I have to make plans in case they don’t.  What does “trust” mean? How do you do it?

I had a very good day today until I was suddenly having a slightly less good day. I want to leave. I want to move away from here. I feel like I make people uncomfortable here because I am wrong. It makes sense in the story in my head for me to be the anti-hero, and so I don’t know how I portray myself to everyone else.  I am an awkward adult growing out of a broken child and I wish I had the manual.

Things I do right:

Lying

Being manipulative

These are the two things, I think, that you need to be good at in order to hold a conversation and have friends.  “No, I don’t mind.” “It’s ok if you say no.” are pretty good examples of this.  I don’t see much difference between “bad” manipulation and “good” manipulation, because manipulation is getting other people to do what you want. I also don’t see much difference between “bad” lying and “good” lying, because lying means you aren’t telling the truth, and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the whole truth and nothing but the truth except maybe our most idealized version of the justice system.

I am good enough at lying that I do it to myself all the time and sometimes I don’t notice. When I was twelve, I said to myself I know you lie to other people and that’s ok I guess but stop lying to yourself so I did that for a while, and then I started telling the truth on the outside and realized how much I still lied on the inside.

Facial expressions unless I am sad and angry, and I guess I do those right because I am communicating very well that I am sad and/or angry.

Finding connections between people or things. Sometimes if someone is looking for help with something, I am able to find them help with that thing. It makes me feel good.  I like buying people things. It makes me feel good not to be selfish.

Being selfish is like white bread, I think. When you eat it, it reminds you of your childhood, and it is so tasty that you could eat a lot, but when you do, it sits in your stomach and you regret it. Sometimes it is better to pretend you are eating white bread while instead you have wheat bread or a salad, because you feel better about yourself.

I do sometimes think the people around me would be better off without me, but I think that is a white bread thought. It’s okay to think white bread thoughts but still eat salad.  The truth is that there are a few people who were worse off before I was here, and there are a few people who were better off before I was here, and there are a lot of people for who it wouldn’t have mattered either way.

The way I am writing is the way I think when I am sad or off balance or angry sometimes. I didn’t intend to write this way, but it helps me to tell the truth better than if I wrote long flowing sentences.

Once I sat down at a table and the other people at the table said so what’s wrong with you

And I was confused

And they said oh basically all of her friends are screwed up somehow, so what’s wrong with you

And I said I get depressed and then I get depressed for being depressed and then it turns into a big spiral of badness

And even though I sounded like an overdramatic 18 year old (which I was), they said oh, ok and they let me be their friend

Updating

I'm brushing this off again

I'm graduating in less than a month and I have so much stuff to do
But there's less stuff every time

Because

This week I’m done with everything.
For a change, it’s not depression.
It’s stress and tiredness and a little bit of grief.
My maternal grandmother died this week, see. When everyone else was drinking and laughing and counting down the seconds to 2013, my mother sat in a room with my grandmother and her family counting her breaths.

In.

Out.

I haven’t had the best of relationships with my mother’s parents. I hadn’t seen them for something like six years. At least. The problem wasn’t most of the common ones, I guess. It isn’t because of my religious views or my political views.

The problem was just because my grandparents are were are old and ill and a little paranoid and worried about losing their daughter, so they lashed out at her husband.
The problem was just that even though my grandparents have so many other relatives, they couldn’t handle losing one.
Which I guess I can understand. My mom and I aren’t always on the best of terms, but she’s an amazing woman, and everything makes me think of her. She sees the best in everyone and worries too much. She loves gardening and drawing. She looks like a movie star – a gracefully aging one. So I can understand how it would be difficult to let someone like that go.

In.

Out.

I’m still working through a lot of this in my head, and I’m still trying to figure out why.
My grandmother died of a brain tumor. She’d been through four years of on and off chemo, and couldn’t do it anymore. So they disconnected the tubes, gave her morphine, and let her rest.
And at the end, my mother arrived in time to sing her to the final sleep. They let her have that. My mom was tired and had been driving all night. She was worried about the reception with my grandparents. She was worried about our family, because we were a state away. But she stayed up all night (my mom who goes to sleep at 8 pm in the middle of movies) and sang to her own mom.

In.

Out.

At the funeral we had speakers. I learned more about my mom’s mom in a few hours than I ever had. I got to meet my mom’s cousins, and my second cousins. I didn’t make an idiot of myself, nor did any of my family. My mom and I had been up the night previous reading through old genealogies and family histories.

My mom tells the stories, you see. She remembers the funny things, the weird things, the touching things. And it felt like the first time I got to know my grandmother was after her death.

In.

Out.

So this week I’m just going to cope. I’m going to sit here and watch Supernatural, and drink. I’m going to go to the movies with my parents. I’m going to pet my dog.
Because it’s the little things that are important, but you can’t get over-cluttered with them. Because there will always be time until the time that there won’t be.
Because.

The third

In the last reply to my original question (first reply is here), I remember wondering if the general "of course" response to my question was due to our generation, or to our colleges, or maybe just due to the general public growing disaffected with authority. Well, I don't know if this one answers my question but:
I was surprised this week when I got an email from someone who I know who was born in the 50s. And this is her take on it.

Has media's influence on your view of politics changed it for the better?
In several ways, media's influence has changed my view of politics for the better. 

I feel there is always someone out there who can put what I am thinking into words and language better than I can. Like you sometimes don't know what you think till you hear it come out of someone else's mouth. These "someones" are often the 'average Joe's' that the newcasters push a mic in front of. I feel this is a better influence towards politics because it stretches me to dig into what I really think.
Another way is in TV shows where actors seriously or humorously actually "say it out loud". Which may be something you thought but never put out there in words. I think of the show Last Man Standing before the election where Tim Allen plays the husband who is clearly Republican and his wife obviously Democratic. These shows make it feel ok that you can have different political views than that of your family and friends. This to me makes the media influence a better influence since if you have ever actually been in a political argument with someone it NEVER feels ok. 

I also feel that media influence clearly gives us as "we the people" a way to spread the word. I believe there are many instances in politics where it is important for "we the people" to actually have an idea of what is happening in the political venue. Cover ups, not telling the whole story and hiding our heads in the sand really don't make for a very good image of our historical "we the people" image. What good are the "people" if we don't keep an eye and ear to our "governors". I think that the media investigations into politics is a very good influence for us to keep track of the people we elected into politics.

For the worse? 

Without being too ying/yang, I believe that media has also changed my view of politics for the worse. I think of ALL of the negative ads yet again before yet another election and I find myself not only "not liking" the other candidates but also "not really liking" my choice of candidate either. Here, for me, those negative ads turn me off from all partisan aspects of politics. Many people I have spoken to as well are turned OFF by this negative media influence. It may not be the media writing the material but shouldn't they be accountable for what they broadcast.

Another very negative influence the media has for me regarding politics is when newcasters and papparazi splash us with personal issues of politicians that are not related to politics. This results in defaming said politicians by conditions in their personal lives that have nothing to do with their jobs. As the years go by the media seems to know and tell more about these people than "we as the people" really need to know. It is a fine line as to what we should know and what is splashed about.

Just this year I happen to notice another negative aspect of media's influence on my view of politics. An out of state friend mentioned a political billboard along his travels. The negative ad not referred to in my state was now here at home. I refer to how close we all have become. We not only converse with our co-workers, family and friends locally but also state and globally making what is happening far away known all over and quickly.

Another aspect of the negative view of political media coverage pertains to "news" put forth before facts and accountability are even considered. Is is just me that thinks NEWS is synonymous with TRUTH...it should be, did it used to be? Where ever the news comes from...paper, radio, tv, internet sources, I believe it SHOULD be synonymous with TRUTH and not GOSSIP. We rely on media to be the voice for the rest of the people other than ourselves, therefore I believe truthful it should be.
Can you recall a time when your view of politics hasn't been defined by what's on television or are there other strong influences on your view of politics? What are they? Note: Media defined as TV shows, magazines, new-paper, radio and TV (Assuming internet sources as well?) 

I don't recall, of course that doesn't mean it wasn't there, the negative display of politics thru the media when I was growing up. I remember the news was the NEWS and you respectfully paid attention to the professional individual on TV. From the news announcer to the politician I believed it all to be factual. Was this a youthful obscure memory or is indeed the media these days taking us on a roller coaster ride?

Besides tv, the internet has brought to my home many aspects of politics. Articles coming from any and everywhere are at my fingertips. It is no longer "if you see it...it is so" however and the negative side of this is that often by the time I have read the article I have already formed some sort of opinion and I assure you that due to my source I am not confident it is entirely based on the truth. 

In summary, I find that media's influence on my political views are some good and much not so good. I feel the media has one of the most valued jobs to do in our global society today. I believe that if we are informed by facts and followed-up articles with accountable reporting and researched topics we can be a connected community. As time goes on overall I feel their influence on us has run amuck due to their often unnecessary, slanderous and haphazardous ways and styles of reporting. I would challenge media to report and advertize as I remember as a child....NEWS = TRUTH. 

Thank you Moss for this discussion question.

Reply 2:

Here's the original Post.

And the first reply.


And now, the second reply is by my very good friend Anna, who has survived half a decade of being my friend:

Dear Moss, 

Here is my opinion on this matter, 

Over the course of my life, until very recently, I have not really done too much with politics. Once I got to be in high school and through college my response to politics has changed more. I have become more involved. After taking an introduction to sociology class and studied how media is everywhere and that it influences almost every way we think I do think media has changed how I view politics. I know for the most recent election there was a radio commercial that skewed how I was going to vote for president because it dealt with an issue I am currently involved, college. When campaign teams turn to issues like that I do not know how I could not fall for campaigning of that nature. As I sit here writing this response I cannot think of a time when media changed my idea of politics for the worse. I think how nowadays with all the campaigning that people do is a bit ridiculous and at times makes me want to not vote but I do not think the media advertising them has affected my view of politics. For the most part I think the media has done a very good job of conforming to my view of politics. While I was growing up I saw myself as a liberal but now that I am in college and trying to make my own life I see myself more conservative. For our society today I think a lot of what is presented in the media for political view does have a lot to do with liberal or conservative views. Some examples that I have seen presented in media are television shows, radio ads, stories in newspaper, and some magazines. Most of these sources of media are things I found interesting or examples of how other people with similar political views were expressing themselves.

Thanks Anna!

I'm starting to see a trend here: For one, only college students have replied. Right now, admittedly, that's two out of two. But I am seeing that we have noticed how much media changes our opinions of politics. Now, that could just be the classes we're taking. But Anna goes to college in Wisconsin, whereas Cthulhu goes to college in North Dakota. So it's not one specific class or professor. It could also be the admittedly liberal views of most of the colleges that I've been in, but acknowledging media's influence isn't the realm of the liberal, exclusively.

Media's influence is a fairly obvious assumption to make these days, which I say says something rather important about the skewing of details in the news.

One of the questions I have is: Has this always been around? Or is it a fairly recent development going hand-in-hand with the proliferation of media?