drag shows and long days

I'm not gonna lie, I kind of hate going to drag shows with people.

like

I know that many people often are able to question their gender in a safe way at drag shows for the first time

and that many performers feel happy or exhilarated or whatever while doing the shows

and that many people are able to at least see or understand another idea of how to live

but to me it feels like a circus, with the audience laughing and shouting and throwing peanuts at the performers, who dance the same tired inoffensive gay anthems over and over while pretending that it's ok to be a joke

and someone in the audience sees someone they know down below and say something like "that's gross" or even just "that'll take a while to get out of my head"

and the rest of us

cowards because we aren't performing, aren't putting ourselves out on stage for the audience to shout at

sit there quiet and bowed under the weight of knowledge that this is how life is, that you will always have to explain, that you will always have to be tolerated, and that you will continue to put on a constant show to demonstrate how harmless you are

I don't like thinking about this this way. I have friends who are straight, friends who are cis
but this doesn't mean that I understand them, and it doesn't mean that I have to accept all of them as allies and friends out of pity

I just kind of hate knowing that I will always feel like this

that nothing will stop me from feeling strange and unsettled when I am gendered, when strangers explain to me that my birthname is beautiful and so they will continue to use it, that I will always have to explain myself and have to weigh the professionalism of using a name that doesn't fill me with self hatred


I'm just tired tonight.